Signs of a one-sided relationship
Ten signs you're carrying a relationship on your own, why the one doing the carrying gets called too much, and what changes when you stop.
Ten signs you're carrying a relationship on your own, why the one doing the carrying gets called too much, and what changes when you stop.
You think the more you love someone, the closer they'll come. So you give more and forgive more. Then one day you notice you're managing a relationship instead of being in one.
That's the shift. It rarely announces itself. Here's what it tends to look like from the inside.
One or two of these in a hard month is normal. Most of them, most of the time, is a pattern.
Every couple goes lopsided sometimes. Someone gets sick. Someone loses a parent or a job. A baby arrives and one person runs on four hours' sleep for a year. Carrying more for a while is part of loving someone.
The test is simple. Does it tip back? In a rough patch, the person being carried knows it and picks the weight back up when they can. In a pattern, the carrying becomes the arrangement. Nobody ever agreed to it. It just stopped being mentioned.
Ask yourself one question. If you stopped doing the extra tomorrow, would they notice what you'd been doing, or only that something was missing?
These two are composites, built from patterns that come up again and again. They aren't real people.
She books every dinner and remembers every family birthday. She sorts the bills and the school forms. When she asks him to plan one weekend, he says sure and does nothing. When she mentions it, he says she's keeping score. She stops mentioning it. She keeps doing it.
He texts first every day. She answers when she's free, which is less and less. When he asks where things stand, she says he's overthinking. He starts timing his messages so he won't seem needy. He's spending more energy on how he sounds than on what he feels.
Neither of them is being hit or threatened. Both of them are paying.
The person holding up a two-person structure alone is going to look stressed. Anyone would. From the outside that stress reads as drama. So the one doing the work gets labelled the problem, and the one coasting gets to look calm.
It's a nasty trick because it's partly true. The carrier often is anxious and snappy. That's what carrying does to a person. The coaster gets credit for staying cool when they've got nothing to be stressed about.
Love costs money sometimes. Mostly it costs other things. Time. Sleep. Focus. Self-respect. The small parts of yourself you keep handing over, hoping the other person will finally meet you halfway.
Sometimes money is the reason people stay. Rent or a mortgage. The kids' school. Leaving costs money, and plenty of Australians can't afford to go. That doesn't make the weight lighter. It just makes it harder to put down.
You don't have to decide the whole relationship today. Start smaller.
If they step up when you step back, that's good news. If nothing moves, that's information too.
Stop starting every repair and you find out quickly what was holding the thing up. Sometimes the other person steps in. Sometimes the relationship was only standing because one person stayed small.
You can love someone and still stop chasing them. You can care and still refuse to go round the same loop again. Call it being an adult with a nervous system you'd like to keep.
One-sided is about effort. It gets serious when it's about fear. If they control your money, check your phone, cut you off from friends, or you're scared of how they'll react, that's a different conversation. Call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, any time. If you're struggling to cope, Lifeline is on 13 11 14. If you're in danger right now, call 000.
Is every relationship a bit one-sided sometimes? Yes. Illness, grief, a new baby or a bad year can tip the balance for a while. The warning sign is when it never tips back.
Can a one-sided relationship be fixed? Sometimes. It needs the other person to see the weight and pick some of it up. You can't carry them into doing that.
Why do I keep ending up in them? Often because being needed feels safer than being known. The Good Man Trap essay goes into that.
What if I can't afford to leave? You're not alone. Too Broke to Break Up looks at what happens when rent becomes the third person in the house.
Rico Holt · ricoholt.com
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